Introduction
Before moving abroad, did you ever think about the concept of identity? Did you ever consider what it may feel like to have this shattered all over the place and to feel at a total loss?
If you are anything like me and most of my clients, then probably not – yet, it’s likely that you are sat abroad feeling confused, scared, fragmented, and at a loss of what’s going on and what to do about it – perhaps you are even considering if moving abroad was the biggest mistake of your life.
If so, your reaction is perfectly normal – and understandable. And I would like to give you a 10 -tip approach to working with the loss of identity as an expat woman.
It's no secret that expats are more prone to be grappling with mental health issues – when we lose our sense of self and agenda in the world, we feel fragmented and find it difficult to navigate life. As such, it makes sense that many expats suffer from depression, anxiety, and stress. So, developing a strong sense of self, regaining our agenda, and integrating all the new from life on foreign soil into our core selves becomes key to our mental health and emotional wellbeing.
In this presentation, I will be talking about the concept of identity and how moving abroad has a massive effect on our sense of self and our agenda in the world. I will be exploring identity crisis for lov’pats and trailing spouses just as well as offer you tips on how to deal with this painful and confusing loss of your sense of self. In short, how to begin creating the expat experience that made you find the courage to move abroad in the first place.
Presentation of myself
I am Henriette, Danish by birth, a UK-trained counsellor and psychotherapist with three expat experiences under my belt, as well as an EFT couple therapist.
I have raised three children abroad. Following my divorce, I wasn’t able to make ends meet financially and wanted to bring my children home to a more stable life near friends and family in Denmark. However, due to the Hague Convention, it proved impossible, so for 4 years I was stuck living under financial and housing instability. I had gone through several identity crises during my time abroad, but nothing like this – the financial uncertainty brought not only insomnia and anxiety, but also a break down.
Following this, I found the strength to negotiate my way back to Denmark with all my children. 9 years on, we are all successfully integrated into Danish life and now ripe the benefits of our time abroad. A time that I – despite all the hardship – still consider some of the best parts of my life and that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. It’s enriched me in so many ways and I feel very privileged for having had the courage and opportunity to make a life-long dream come true.
From my practice The Good Expat Life, I am now putting my experiences and therapeutic training to good use for expats around the world – in person as well as online.
I offer individual therapy, counselling, and coaching as well as couples and family therapy for expats across the globe. I help my clients gain a stronger sense of self in their expat endeavors, more meaningful and satisfactory connections and relationships, as well as a clearer path to fulfilling their dreams abroad – and working with the aspect of identity almost always falls into the work.
So, what is identity?
Originally, the terms stems from the Latin “idem” which means “the same”. And though a person may have several identities such as:
Child, parent, spouse, friend, expat, homemaker, employee, employer, self-employed, student, job seeker, and retired.
We might also associate ourselves with our passions, hobbies, and interests.
Essentially, identity is a question of who we are. Identity reflects our values that guide our choices in life. When we make choices consistent with our true self, you set yourself up for success and harmony in life.
In an ideal world, we have a core sense of a healthy self that runs throughout all of these – we recognise our core self and can show up in tune with our authenticity and integrity in all areas of life.
What happens to our identity when we move abroad for love or follow our spouse to a foreign country?
For survival, we are innately wired for connection – we strive to belong to groups of people. Often, in particular when we are young, we would rather disown parts of ourselves to belong to certain people, eg. our parents – we internalise the values of the people that we long to belong to. Depending on age, and our level of maturity and self-reflection, this adjustment often happens with little or no awareness.
When our values are different from those around us, we risk social exclusion – and biologically, we are cued to see social exclusion as a threat to our survival, a left-over from our days on the savannah. If we, to adapt to the group, live life according to others’ values and beliefs, we risk compromising our own integrity – and that can be the cause of great distress.
Based on this, when looking to belong amongst people whose values are different from our, there’s a constant field of tension between authenticity and belonging – and biologically, we are wired to always prioritise belonging – for shear survival.
For many expats, this is often expressed as feeling like the odd one out, being lonely, not belonging anywhere, as well as feeling split between your countries.
When we first move abroad, we don’t belong – and we need to build up life from scratch. Nothing can be done on the back bone .... even things which used to require minimum effort, now almost becomes obstacles to over come.
And there will be a lot of big issues to tackle:
If you are a lovpat, your spouse already has a life in their home country whereas you are left to setting things up for yourself: studies, work, friends, hobbies and so on. Perhaps you are lucky that you get on their family and friends; perhaps you don’t – either way, you are tagging along, and it becomes obvious to you, how dependent you have come to be on your spouse.
If you are a trailing spouse, you will be more aligned with your partner, as they, too, have to build a life from scratch. However, they have a workplace to go to every morning – meaningful tasks to fulfil, colleagues to socialise and work with, perhaps even an invitation for an after-work drink.
You, on the other hand, are left on your own devices – perhaps in charge of settling in the children and making a home, but there might not be much, if any, adult and stimulation interaction for you to engage in. So, you are left to establishing everything yourself – whilst supporting the other members of your family in their pursuits to settle in.
For the lovpat and the trailing spouse, this is by no means a walk in the park.
You don’t necessarily understand the system such as the tax set-up, banking, housing, schooling – and you may not understand the culture either or indeed speak the language. Perhaps you are struggling to find meaningful work and have become financially dependent on your spouse.
As such, you are always one step behind your partner who can come to take on an almost parental role – and you, a child role. With such dynamic, the power tips off kilter, resentment arises, and arguments sneak in.
Adding to this, after the honeymoon phase, you might find yourself questioning everything about your new country: the people, their quirks, manners, and ways of dealing with matters such as friendships, parenthood, behaviour in public spaces, minorities, climate, consumerism ... the list goes on and you will notice what rubs you up the wrong way, because there will be something!
Many lovpats and trailing spouses describe how they don’t recognise themselves – they have gone from feeling empowered, capable and with a strong sense of agenda, often with good careers and making their own money to feeling dependent, insecure, confused, and at a loss – like they don’t recognise themselves.
This is a shocking and unsettling experience – that leads to the question: who am I? The overall identity question!
You might realise that how you have been used to viewing the world is conflicting with ways of being and living life in your new country. And this is where the tension between belonging and authenticity sets in – your old beliefs are shaken up, your values and strategies might not apply to where you are – and whilst you may want to adapt, you can’t quite give up on yourself entirely – and you shouldn’t, but how do you balance the two to not develop an incoherent sense of self?
Ideally, rather than standing your ground somewhat rigidly or completely giving up on yourself altogether, you begin to experiment with all the new that you see. For some, this happens effortlessly and is an adventure, but most will at some stage begin to feel out of sorts, question their own beliefs, strategies, and ways of thinking and being. In particular, if you don’t manage to find “your people” amongst the local, you will feel out of sorts, off kilter and susceptible to minor or more serious mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and stress – all lead by your identity crisis.
Going through an identity crisis is not necessarily a bad thing; it can be a fantastic opportunity to learn about yourself – enhance your inner life, enrich your connections and relationships, but it does require some introspection.
My 10-tip-approach to dealing with identity crisis
1. First, identify and acknowledge how you feel – write it down.
2. Work towards accepting that, right now, things are difficult and that you have a piece of personal development to do.
3. Explore your core values, beliefs, and behaviours – write them down.
4. Examine where these stem from and why they are important to you.
5. Explore how they have been stirred since moving abroad – what has been stirred and why?
6. What are the values, beliefs, and behaviours of the people around you?
7. Be curious – allow yourself time to be curious.
8. Are there any sweet spots? AKA areas where your values, beliefs, and behaviours overlap with those of your new people? What are the most conflicting points – and why?
9. Is anything from your new culture useful to you? Anything that could enrich your life? Be integrated into your own way of viewing and being in the world?
10.List your old passions and dreams – can they somehow find a place in your life now? Perhaps something that you may have disowned earlier in life to fit in – this may be your chance to revive these passions and dreams.
Whilst doing this work and going through this phase of your life, find the courage to share with the people closest to you – it’s important not to isolate. Often social anxiety follows isolate – and social anxiety as a self-feed tendency to it.
And reach out to therapy, if you feel it’s too overwhelming to do on your own.
Calls to Action!
If you are interested in hearing how I can help you with your mental health as an expat, you are most welcome to book in a 25-mins free, non-binding consultation. You can contact me via my website www.thegoodexpatlife.com where you will also find my email address.
Furthermore, you are welcome to follow me on SoMe – Facebook and Linkedin. You are also welcome to sign up for my newsletter – and as a free gift, I will send you my guide on expat blues. It will only cost you your email address. Exclusively to my newsletter, I run an Good Expat Advice Column where you, anonymously, can have questions about expat life answered.
Lastly, I wish you well and would like the thank The Expat Woman for this opportunity to participate and support you in building a good expat life.
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